


(Don't) Let Me Go

by An_Angel_A_Muse



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cas has had enough, Hurt/Comfort, sam is a hero
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 16:17:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21182345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/An_Angel_A_Muse/pseuds/An_Angel_A_Muse
Summary: Castiel returns to the bunker to leave a goodbye letter. Something unexpected happened.Kinda an offshoot from 15.03. More of a therapy fic for me, I hope others might enjoy it as well.





	(Don't) Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> Edited for grammar and punctuation.

Dean,  
You're not my life, you know that, don't you? My world does not revolve around you. I can leave, permanently.  
You'll pray and hope that I'm listening. I am always listening, but it will make no difference.  
You have made it clear, what I am to you, I'm a tool, a weapon, a quick fix, an informant, an errand boy, a punching bag, a scapegoat.  
I refuse to be used any longer.  
I have lost absolutely everything. My son, my home, my friends, you.. everything.  
Don't look for me. Not that it crossed your mind to.  
  
  
-Castiel-  
  
He almost didn't leave the note at the door. He almost shoved it into his pocket, all crinkled up and unseen. He didn't want to add to anyone's pain, Dean's pain. Then again, should he care? Dean certainly doesn't. Castiel frowned and stooped, placing the note on the ground in front of the door, a rock on top to keep the wind from snatching it away. As he straightened up to turn and walk away, the metal door swung open and he found himself dragged into a tight embrace, it wasn't hard to figure out that it was Sam that had stalled him, tall frame, similar, but not the same smell as Dean.  
  
Being at your lowest and trying your damnedest to hold yourself together, there's something about that one hug from someone that loves you that can make you unravel and break. Castiel clung to the back of Sam's shirt, and for the first time in a long time just broke.  
  
Eventually, Sam rubbed Cas' back and stepped back a bit to speak, "Come on, family meeting."

"Sam.. I can't." Cas' voice was made even more gravelly from his sobbing.  
  
"Yes, you can," Sam said in an assuring tone and stepped toward the door, a hand on Cas' shoulder and pulling him along, just in case he decided not to follow and disappeared for good. "If it helps, pretty sure I gave Dean a swollen cheek."

Cas winced a bit, but looked up at Sam, "You didn't have to-"

"No, I know. It's just that enough is enough. You don't treat the people you love how he's been treating you. If you just leave, he's getting away with it and nothing is fixed. Everyone just gets more miserable."  
  
Once inside on the landing Sam let go of Castiel's shoulder, "Come on, I left him in the kitchen with an ice pack that he's probably not using."  
Castiel sighs but silently follows. Sam implied Dean loves him.. Considering the anger and disappointment in his eyes when he actually bothers to look at him, Cas was sure Dean hated him.

  
In the kitchen Dean sat at the table, his back to the door, a tumbler of liquor in his hand and the icepack pushed away from himself. Cas couldn't help thinking how small he looked, part of him wanted to comfort him, but he was sure that'd backfire, like everything else.. In spite of now desperately wanting to leave he set his jaw and walked over to the table. He took a seat across from Dean and just watched him.

Dean rolled his eyes and downed the liquid in his glass before slamming it, top-down, onto the table. "What the fuck Sam?" He barely spared a glance at Cas, turning instead to look up at his brother. "I told you to leave this alone."

"Yeah, and I told you I wasn't going to. Dean, you pushing Cas away doesn't just affect you and Cas, ok? He's family and you are going to listen to him now. You did your yelling and talking to Cas like he's shit. So shut up. Sit back. And _listen_." Sam pulled a chair over to sit at the end of the table, prepared to play referee if he had to.  
  
"Fine, it's not gonna change anything, but, go ahead. I'm listening by force." Dean leaned back and folded his arms over his chest like a stubborn child waiting to be lectured.  
  
Cas looked down at the table's surface, needing to think of how to start for a minute. "Dean, we watched Chuck kill Jack. It was slow and excruciating. My son was murdered in front of me. He may have looked like an adult but he was two years old.. only two. And then that demon used his body.. it was too much, I had to tolerate _that_. And you, knowing how uncomfortable I was.. how disgusted.." he'd close his eyes and shake his head, "You kept forcing me to be around that.. _thing_. Kept forcing me to help him. When I went to hell with him, he confessed everything."

"Yeah, I know, you said as mu-"

Cas interrupts Dean by putting a hand up, "You're listening to me now, not talking. Understand?" Dean rolled his eyes but gave a nod to continue.  
"Do you remember how powerful a human soul is? One soul is like ten thousand nuclear bombs. What is ten thousand times several billion, Dean? He was sucking the souls into himself to gain enough power that he could become god.. of everything. I stopped him. You said we could've dealt with it, but you were wrong. There would have been no going back from that. So.. I killed him.. and I destroyed the vessel so it can't be used any longer. He begged me not to, tried to convince me that he was actually Jack.." Cas faltered, he didn't want to break in front of Dean, not after the things he'd said.. Sam put a hand on Cas' shoulder and squeezed lightly, grounding and assuring him that he could do this. Cas dragged a hand across his teary eyes, took a deep breath, and went on, voice shaking. "Do you have any idea what it's like to kill your own son? I.. I know it wasn't him, but that's what it felt like.. Like I was doing to Jack exactly what Chuck had done to him." He looked up, meeting Dean's eyes, "I tried to talk to you so many times, but.. I'm dead to you so it didn't matter what I said. Besides, my powers are failing, so I am no longer useful to you."

"Cas.." Dean was answered with a head shake.  
  
"You're not done listening to me," Cas said, his tone firm once more. "I meant what I said before I walked out. Chuck is gone, Jack is dead, you and Sam have each other." He'd look down, "Another apocalypse has been taken care of, probably the last we'll see.. You did your best to drive me away.. I don't know where my place is anymore, but it's not here with you. Maybe it never was." Cas trailed off at the end, looking away, afraid he'd said too much, or not enough, how Dean would respond.. The silence seemed like forever in just a minute.  
  
"Ok, I think we're done here for now, but we're going to keep doing this. We all need a good rest, time to think.." Sam said and stood.

  
Cas stood with him, "Sam, I'm sorry you're having to deal with our issues when you're grieving too. This isn't fair to you."  
  
Sam gave one of his half-smiles, "I can grieve later. Right now, let's fix the problems of the living." He'd give Cas a clap on the back before walking out of the kitchen.  
  
Cas was about to follow, maybe go outside and collect that letter, it was useless now anyway. As he was walking past Dean he felt a tug on the back of his coat stopping him in his tracks.  
  
"Hey.. I'm sorry Cas.."  
  
"Are you?" Cas said, trying to keep his voice neutral.  
  
Dean let go of him and stood, walking to face Cas and standing close to him so there was no choice but to look at him. "I'm sorry. I didn't know.."

Cas' eyes narrow accusingly, "You didn't want to know. I don't matter."  
  
"Yeah well, I'm an idiot."

"No, you're an asshole," he said it like it was just stating a known fact. No venom, but plenty cold, even as his chest clenched painfully.  
  
"Yeah, I deserve that," Dean said and dropped his eyes. "I'm never gonna be able to make it up to you, am I?"

"Probably not.. but.. I'll stay. Sam doesn't want me to go.." at least he didn't lose everything after all. He still has a brother. That'd be enough.  
  
"I don't want you to go either."  
  
"You don't get a say." Cas said and stepped around Dean to walk out of the room.


End file.
